Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
