its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
