I'm so fucking centered right now
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
