It's Friday. Sex?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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