So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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