After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
