My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
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what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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