I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
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Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
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I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is