I wish I could punch you in the face.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
