Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
