Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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