The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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