you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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