I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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