Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
