Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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