so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
