We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
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