can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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