can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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