i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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