what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
