im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
