whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You are a genius and a whore.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
