I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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