My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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