Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize