I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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