Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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