Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
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He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
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So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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