I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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