First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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