the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
