i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Randomize
