I will die if light touches me.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
