Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
