The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
