She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
