So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
