Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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