Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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