Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
