Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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