this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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