apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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