I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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