Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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