That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
