omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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