i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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