i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
