Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
