My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
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it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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