I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
