It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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