i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I want to be your penis for a week.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
