I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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