what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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