Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
