im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
