My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
